I just finished watching the movie, The Post, in which Meryl Streep plays the first female publisher of a major US newspaper, the Washington Post. Without spoiling the storyline, there were decisions she faced that would not only affect the reputation of the paper but could also threaten its very existence. Then, in the moment of truth, she spoke up, silencing all of the men in the room. She declared that this was no longer her father’s company, nor her husband’s company, but that this was her company and her decision.
In my initial blog post, I shared some of the decisions facing me, most notably the care of my 90 lb. Rhodesian Ridgeback, GiGi. I took her in this week for further evaluation and x-rays and Dr. Erin called that afternoon with he results. GiGi didn’t have a torn ligament, but rather a potentially cancerous spot on her knee. She suggested sending the X-rays for further evaluation and/or setting up a $1,000 procedure to take a biopsy with the amputation of her right hind leg as the recommended treatment. I picked GiGi up after she had recovered from the sedation and got a CD with the x-ray images, and forwarded them to my friend, and his wife who are both trained in radiology. They confirmed the cancer.
I couldn’t bear the thought of her trying to hop around on three legs, looking confused and scared with no way to communicate what she was going through. On top of that, being nine yrs. old, her joints and muscles are going to begin bothering her more in the next few years without the strain of compensating for a missing leg. My friend, Glenn, coincidentally, had a dog healed of a cancerous tumor by taking an herbal supplement within the last month. I carefully weighed out the opinions and feelings of all those who love GiGi, and ultimately ordered the supplement. I will continue to love on her and pray for her and help her live out the best life possible with the time I have with her.
The tooth that was bothering me became abscessed and instead of going the root canal/crown route, I chose to have it pulled and to have a permanent implant installed. I gathered opinions from those who had faced this issue and found the cost to be about the same. I felt good about the logic of the decision, however, that didn’t prevent my nerves from rising up as I drove to the dentist yesterday and sat in the chair with pliers in my mouth. I was also more than a little shocked at the sound of the tooth breaking as he was pulling on it. No turning back now. = )))
I ordered new tires for the Jeep from my buddy who works at Discount Tires. Once it is road (and offroad) ready again, I will send the other car off to a mechanic and go from there.
These are indeed mundane details, but its not about the decisions I’m making, it is the fact that I am finally making them. I can no longer live according to what I may have done in the past when I had a partner to consider or worse stop fully living because that partner isn’t there.
It’s time to stand up and silence all those voices of fear within me, to declare this is now my life and these are now my decisions.
Merry Streep told Tom Hanks at the end of the movie that her husband used to call the news, the first rough draft of history. She continued, “We don’t always get it right. We’re not always perfect… I think we just keep on it… that’s the job isn’t it?”
That is the job. Today may be my rough draft but tomorrow, what I did today will become the true history of who I am. It I don’t want to later regret my past, I have to be the man I want to be now.
I write because I want to live on purpose. I am the author of my life and not only get to make choices about my life. I get to write about my character. I want him to be courageous, and kind, and generous and encouraging.
I don’t have an expectation of how things with GiGi, or my tooth, or my cars will turn out. Expectations lead to disappointments. But I do live with an EXPECTANCY that there are great days in front of me and that I will figure things out.
That’s who I’m going to be. What about you?